Loved Ones Suffer Too

When we talk about eating disorders, most of the time the attention is solely focused on the sufferer, the one with the eating disorder, the debilitating symptoms, the physical, emotional, social and financial damage that it can cause the individual who is struggling.

As a sufferer myself, I have seen this first hand, and it's always made me feel a bit uneasy, because I see this as only half of the true story. The other half is my family.

I have seen 14 years of my parents, my brother, everyone I love and who loves me, suffering too - but barely getting a mention other than to look for a "cause" to my eating disorder. My parents have had to face guilt and feeling like they could have done something differently to prevent my suffering, they've had to face stigma from other parents, from wider society, and even from eating disorders services. They have had to face 14 years of seeing their son struggling... I cannot imagine how hard that must be.

My brother has suffered too. He has had to grow up with someone who has been unwell for most of the life we can both remember. He is the one who found me passed out at Uni, he is the one who - so many times - I said I would never get to a point where I was critically unwell, only to see it happening. No one (other than my parents) ever asked how it affected him, if he needed any support.

This lack of support for loved ones creates so many issues.

• Recovery: If loved ones don't get support, how do they know what to do? My parents have been amazing, but they can only do what they are able to with the knowledge and skills they have. I am lucky to have parents who are open, inclusive and listen to me unconditionally. Not everyone may have that, and some sufferers may face stigma from loved ones - not because they don't care, but because of a lack of knowledge.
• Guilt: This goes both ways. My loved ones feel guilt because they feel they "failed" me, and I feel guilt that I have caused them to feel that way by being unwell. There should be no guilt attached, it is an illness and neither of us should feel this way, but a lack of support and guidance can create that... compounded by a lack of sufferer support meaning that their illness will likely be prolonged, chronic and sadly for too many - lifelong.
• Financial Support: I couldn't work for 3 years when Ieft Uni, my parents had to support me financially as well as emotionally. I am so lucky that they could at the time, not everyone is lucky enough to be in that position... but there is no support out there.
• Relationships: No matter what anyone says, the dynamics of the relationships will change. This isn't always a bad thing - actually I would say it has brought us as a family closer together, however this isn't the case for everyone. If loved ones don't get support, it could create a divide, a rift, or even worse: something that could be an amazing support network could end up being a network of suffering, where everyone is struggling.

I also want to be clear, that not everyone's support network is family. I am lucky to have my family as my support network, but for some, their family may not be supportive and this needs to be acknowledged too. This is why I say Loved Ones instead of "family", as family could even be a trigger for some sufferers.

I know there are some amazing support groups out there for loved ones, but I feel this needs to go further and be integrated into any recovery or treatment program. "Family therapy" is often included and is recommended in new guidance, however this may not always be the best mode of support. Sometimes it is best for sufferer and loved ones to have separate support as well as together. This is especially important so both can be 100% open and honest, and don't feel they cannot say something to "protect" their loved ones.

And finally, we need to make it clear from the outset that loved ones need & deserve support too. I talk to many loved ones of sufferers (including my own family up until recently) who feel reluctant to get this as they feel it is in some way "distracting from the sufferer". This is not true. Loved one support will actually enhance the sufferer's recovery, and it is not a competition! Both are 100% valid, and there is space for both to receive support!

The truth is this. Without my loved ones - my family - I wouldn't be sitting here (whilst trying to distract myself from exercising) writing this. I'm sure it is the same for many sufferers... but loved ones NEED support. They suffer too.