The Dark Side of Exercise - Part 1: Making The Change

Exercise: It's always a good thing, right?

Well, that's what society tells us, ingrains into ours' and our children's minds from a very young age. 

  • "The more the better", 
  • "No pain, no gain",
  • "Don't be so lazy",
  • "You'll get unhealthy".
The list goes on... But by using such binary language, we miss the truth: 

Yes, exercise CAN be really healthy for the majority of the population. That it is true that many could perhaps improve their wellbeing by being more active, and that exercise can be an amazing aid for both our physical and mental wellbeing.

BUT

What about the other side of things? What about when it damages your health? What about when exercise becomes toxic?

This is my experience. Exercise no longer serves a positive purpose in my life - in honesty it hasn't for nearly a decade. It's put me in hospital once, and nearly on a number of other occasions. It's destroyed my social life, done permanent physical damage and I absolutely hate it... all whilst feeling compelled to do it, both by my own mind and by an ableist, ignorant society which only sees in black or white.

My issues with exercise really started when I was 16, playing semi-professional level football whilst also playing other sports too. I was constantly striving for better: Better performance, better speed, that 1% edge which could have propelled me from semi-professional to my dreams. I had struggled with my eating disorder for 5 years already before this point, so I was already on the edge of managing, the exercise almost became my pseudo-'recovery'. I LOOKED healthy and happy, everything seemed fine, but inside was a growing addiction, an insidious one that was slowly taking hold. Over the next few years, one that would nearly kill me.




I could write all day about things in minute detail, but what really dragged me down, and continues to now, is how that made me feel inside, how that addiction takes hold and becomes uncontrollable.

Exercise has become toxic, it's become the one thing I wish I could get rid of from my eating disorder. Even more so than nutrition, it's the exercise that saps my energy, takes up so much time and results in me feeling lost, out of control and so exhausted that I just don't have the energy for anything else. Think of the thing you dread the most in life... well for me it's slogging away exercising for hours each day when it's the last thing I want to do.

Exercise addiction has left me possibly infertile, it has left my joints in a bad place, but I don't want it to take my life or my future.

So I have decided to (try at least) stop exercising altogether.

"WHAT??? STOPPING EXERCISE??? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!"

This is the typical response I'll probably get from those who don't fully understand it.

The simple facts are this: 
I cannot get a healthy balance, God knows I've tried so many times.
Nor can I just reduce it. Wait a few weeks and it'll just get out of control again.
If I don't make changes soon, I'll do even more damage to my body and mind, and all those things I want to do in the future, all my plans and aspirations, will be gone.

So, for me, stopping, going 100% cold-turkey on all "forced" activity, is the only way to go. What does that mean in practice?
  • Cancel my gym membership,
  • Get rid of my exercise bike,
  • When going out, walk directly to the place and directly back, no elongated routes,
  • If I want to go further, drive to the place I want to go and then walk around there,
  • Remove the "hidden" activity (e.g. standing up when I should be sitting)
  • DO NOT CHANGE MY NUTRITION, actually, try to use the extra time and energy to push myself a bit more.
It's going to be bloody hard, but it's something I have to do. I have an amazing family behind me, some awesome support, and I have a lot to look forward to in the near future. So if not now, when? For how long will I not be exercising? I really don't know... maybe a few months... maybe a year... maybe longer. That will only be determined by time.

So, this is the start of my journey. I'll keep blogging on how I get on through this, to share my experiences in the hope it helps someone else. My approach may not be right or possible for everyone, but it is for me, and it might work for some others, too.

In a society that has such black & white thinking about health, I want to open up the full-colour spectrum. Health is unique to you. My health journey won't be yours, but whatever your journey is... you can get there. Be a rebel. 

You do you.

Location: Ulverston LA12, UK

Comments

  1. C.8 February 2022 at 16:33

    This post touched me deeply, because I've been there too.
    I have been practicing karate since I was a child. First only as a sport, now also as a job (I am an instructor and referee). Obviously, I also practiced this sport during the worst period of anorexia as well as during the early stages of my recovery process. I have never done compulsive physical activity for the purpose of losing weight, it is true, but I also did not want to give up my 3 weekly workouts, although my weight was not enough to support this sport efficiently.
    As I progressed in my recovery process, I began to understand that for me - if I wanted to feel better from a physical point of view - there was a limit of physical exercise that I should not have exceeded. I just had to figure out which one it was. I realized that if I continued to train 3 afternoons a week, I would not have regained the kilos necessary to recover. So I started to limit the workouts to 1 and then 2 a week ... choosing those days when I was able to follow the "food balance" that the dietician had prescribed to me, to be sure I had eaten enough to be able to adequately support the workout. For a while, I even suspended karate completely.
    The point was, I necessarily needed to gain weight. And even when I was able to follow the "food balance" - 3 meals a day + 2 snacks - doing karate could be counterproductive. I was at a point where every pound gained could be lost due to sport. So I told myself that first I had to recover a weight at least a little more healthy, and then I could start again with karate.
    I believe that, looking at it objectively, it is obvious that severely underweight people should not exercise. Something extremely light may be fine, just to keep muscle mass active, but certainly not karate, swimming, athletics, basketball, or any other type of sport, especially if practiced intensively. No jogging or gym. Not sure. And it inevitably leads to weight loss in terms of muscle mass degradation. It does not make you lose weight, it makes you perish, which is even more dangerous.
    Was I psychologically devastated in those months when I stopped karate? Yes, sure, a lot. But one has to ask what is more important: sport or recovery? The anorexia recovery process inevitably carries greater weight.
    When I reached a healthy and stable weight (no more downward fluctuations due to restrictive relapses) I started practicing karate again. Sure, giving me limits. Why? Because now I knew what my limits were. And I knew what my body needed. A regular workout can tone my muscles, an excessive one can at most damage it.
    At first, behind the advice of the dietician who followed me (and who still monitors me), I started again by integrating 1 and then 2 workouts a week - Monday and Thursday. No Saturday training.
    It worked. I followed the "food balance", maintained my weight, and did physical activity on a regular basis and not particularly intense. Just enough to keep me active, make me feel good, even with the company of my teammates, and keep up with what I ate.
    (Continue...)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. C.8 February 2022 at 16:34

      (...continue)
      Right now, I continue to practice karate regularly 3 times a week and, as I said, it has now become my field of work as well. I think the key is in regulation. Everyone says that regulation is essential, and I think this is particularly valid for what concerns physical exercise.
      Every day I do some stretching and abdominals, but for no more than 15-20 minutes, just to maintain muscle tone. It is not necessary to do more. That's enough, it's the right amount for me.
      I have now reached my physiological set-point weight. I try to have a regular lifestyle to be able to maintain it. My weight may fluctuate slightly in either direction, but this is natural - it is the weight my body wants to maintain when I feed myself by properly following "food balance", doing karate, and taking care of myself .
      I know how damn difficult it is, but don't be afraid to limit physical activity when necessary. The anxiety subsides little by little. And then you can no doubt resume playing sports in due time, and it will no longer be harmful, but it will help you to get better.
      Send you a big hug...
      C.

      Delete

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